Paul's Internet Landfill/ 2014/ Sunburn


I do not know this for certain, but it looks like I have managed to sunburn my nose again. In April. After wearing a hat all day (and using an insufficient amount of sunscreen). It is hard to express just how distraught I am about this.

As far as I know, I never used to get sunburns. I would stay out in the sun for hours without a hat, and I would brown. Being a brown person, I thought that was sensible. But last year I started to sunburn (or maybe I just started noticing my sunburns) and since then I have been freaking out about the sun. My worst sunburn has been fairly mild, I think -- some peeling skin on my forehead. But I am scared and resentful. I am scared of getting skin cancer, and resentful that I have to treat sunshine as my enemy.

I love the sunshine. I love the warmth of the sun beating down on my skin. I like being outside. The prospect of these things being taken away from me is hard enough to bear. But the panic and endless staring at the mirror makes things much worse. My body has been letting me down again and again over the past year, and I don't want to deal with it any more.

If I was a better Buddhist (or any kind of Buddhist at all) then I would be able to put aside the worry, at least. But I'm not, and I can't.

The kicker is that nothing gets better from this point. One by one, all of the things that I value will be taken from me.