Chronic Pain
Some more notes on chronic pain, before this bout passes (if this bout passes) and I inevitably forget:
My body no longer moves autonomously. Everything is slow because moving my body becomes a puzzle on how to avoid stabs of pain. I spend a lot of time stuck in uncomfortable positions because I do not know what move next and I am scared to move anything.
Pain cascades. To compensate for my shoulder, I stand funny and my neck hurts. To compensate for one arm, another arm moves in unnatural ways. Then the pain spreads. Discomfort in the extremities is bad; when it hits the torso it is game over.
Sleep becomes much more difficult. Simply rolling from my back to my side becomes an ordeal. It is tough to distract myself from discomfort when trying to fall asleep, so I stay awake. Then I am tired all the time, which compounds everything else.
All the clever compromises I made to save money seem stupid now. Using cheap chairs hurts. Not having a comfortable mattress hurts. Requiring a bicycle hurts. Carrying groceries home hurts. When I am healthy I can deal with these things. When I am in chronic pain it is much more difficult.
Leverage becomes important, at least right now. I have one good arm, so finding secure handholds becomes crucial. Not having proper handrails for the stairs is terrifying.
Also terrifying: being unsure of whether I can balance well enough to stand or walk. This is what feeling old is like.
If I heal from this pain then I will forget it. But if I live long enough permanent chronic pain is in my future, and I do not know how I will deal with it. Other people I know deal with lifelong chronic pain routinely, and I do not know how they manage. Even when I am healthy chronic pain is one of the things I fear the most.