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The Balance of My Life

I am afraid of happiness. Any positive development is but an omen that some sort of despair, great or small, lies just around the corner. Whenever I think I have accomplished something, a setback looms. Whenever I think I have become a better person, some event will turn me around and show me what a failure I am. This balance is a law that governs my life, yet I keep forgetting the lesson it teaches.

I suppose that I should cherish this balance. There are people for whom only bad things seem to happen, no matter how hard they try to right themselves. There are probably people happier than I am, but I have no right to expect that I deserve more than what I have. Overall, I am a very fortunate person, and I expect that I should be content with the successes I have. Unfortunately, an occasional success does not make the pain of misery hurt any less.

If there is one thing this balance should teach me, it is perspective. No matter what I think I have achieved, in some way I have failed. No matter how good things are looking, I must never rest on my laurels, for a great fall will come, sooner or later. This is a lesson that I must remember, even when the times seem good. Perhaps it is this lesson that should be making all of the harder experiences worthwhile.

But you can be sure that I will forget this lesson, because I always forget. You don't have to worry, though. As soon as I do forget, there will be another bout of misery in store to put me in my place. For this, I can honestly say that I am grateful. Perhaps I do not appreciate having the small joys of my life stamped out, but I am grateful nonetheless.